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The Metaphorical Killing of an Artist.




So we are just about halfway done with 2020 and when I say It's been an exhausting 6 months I think you, no matter who you are, can agree it's been an emotional rollercoaster. I ended last year with the mindset of "2020 is THE year! We are going to make great things happen with the business! YEAH, 2020!" and now 6 months into 2020 I would like a full refund, please...


In all seriousness, as a creative, business owner/full-time student, I went from feeling passionate, driven, confident and successful to worried, frantic, insecure, and blank. The experience if COVID would end up feeling more like emotional whiplash than a pandemic. In my worry, I found my creative side fading away and being replacing more by doubt and insecurity, depression, and anxiety...was this my new reality? Where had all my energy gone?


A core part of feeling worthy for me is in my ability to practice photography and create art, serving as an outlet but also a point of validation. Weeks, and then months passed as I spun a little deeper into a cyclical panic of "I better get out and do a photo session to prove my worth!" and "maybe I can't create anything worthwhile anymore...maybe I've lost it, maybe I was never able to create." And so the self-doubt monster followed me around, lurking in the shadows for the following months, until this last weekend.


This last weekend a friend of mine and I Kate went to just take pictures for fun, something I haven't done in a long time... "just for fun". I expressed to Kate my insecurity and that I was almost sure I wouldn't be able to photograph her adequately, she said it doesn't matter if we get any pictures just as long as we are having fun! What a simple concept that I had totally lost... THAT is the point of creating, and that is what I had been missing long before 2020. At some point, I had lost the joy of the process and fun. It had become very technical, not that I didn't enjoy it but my head was so focused on the clients, and the business I forgot to let my heart speak.


I had not realized how burned out I was prior to 2020, once thought of the be that passion, drive, and confidence was outright workaholic mentality and it was slowly draining me. 2020 forced me to slow down, to stop, to breathe, and recollect. What just a few weeks ago felt like the death of my creativity was actually re-birth and a reminder to slow down and enjoy the process, enjoy life, enjoy family, enjoy friends and sloooow, down.


If you are feeling overwhelmed, off, anxious, restless, or like a little part of yourself has died or is slowly fading, don't panic, wait, and listen with your heart over your head.


Special BIG thank you to Kate for allowing me the space to truly create.


PS: The session we shot that day was one of my all-time favorites. We got SO much amazing material, and most importantly, we had fun and enjoyed each others company.


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